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Laterus
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Name: Zach
Gender: Male
Interests: Writing, music, traveling, family and friends, lifting, cooking, nature, hiking, the Pittsburgh Steelers, acting, history, folklore, World War II, vikings, Ireland, England, Scotland, The Netherlands, Germany, Sweden, Norway, Finland, mirrors (literally, and figuratively speaking), the heartagram, ice cream, love
Expertise: writing, being emo and metal eoexistently (yeah I don't know how I do it either)
Occupation: Student
Industry: Art
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  warriorpoetic316
Member Since:
10/28/2002
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| I have been dissatisfied with the lack of community on this site. Therefore, I have decided to revert back to livejournal again to test it out. My new account can be found at: http://savagehippie302.livejournal.com/.
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| Look around. Tell me what you see.
Some of you might say, "I see a desk, my computer's printer, bills I have yet to pay." There are others of you that might take it a step further and say, "I see walls, a window, a floor, and a ceiling." Some of you might go even further yet and say, "I see my neighbors walking their dog, I see a car going by, I see a house down the street;" all via through a window. For those of you that would give the latter answer, good, but you are still far from the truth. For those of you that don't have a window in their room but still gave the latter answer through visualization, fantastic; you are getting much closer to the truth. For those of you that said that you see yourself, then you are truth.
What is truth? Inner peace of course. What is inner peace? Acceptance of what is, not what was or is yet to be, but what is now. Not unconsciousness, but consciousness. Carpe Diem. Peace with God.
"Whereever you are, you are here." ~John Lennon
Unfortunately, truth doesn't last long in many of us, for some it rarely occurs, and for some select - worse yet, truth has existed very rarely or even at all, if possible. This latter categorization of people is what we humans like to think of as evil, the people so far from the "light," the truth, that horrible things are committed in extreme opposite of it. My testament of truth is nothing deep or profound, because it exists inside each and every single one of us and it has originated ever since the beginning of humanity. We label it as "deep," or "profound," because so few have ventured there. Some people even go as far to label the truth bearers as freaks, but these false judges know nothing of truth. They are the ones who are truly insane.
The unfortunate thing is that many of us have been led astray from the truth, are being led astray at this very moment, and will continue to be led astray unless we live for now. Think of it as an inground public pool. At either end you have an extreme: the deep end (truth) vs. the shallow end (distorted truth, or what our minds construct to be true, not our hearts; feel it, don't think it.). In the middle you have the progression towards either end. So many of us constantly hang out in the shallow end because we're too afraid to hang out in the deep; we're comfortable with what we already have because we've always been taught that the shallow end is safest. That's all most of us have ever known, and sadly, that's what many will ever know, unless they revolutionize their thinking by going beyond thinking. There are a few that venture out into the deep, but once there they merely wallow, barely scratching the surface of what lies beneath. There are those that bravely dive into the deep, only to resurface and swim to the other side. All of this is very true, just go to any public swimming pool. I think this metaphorical approach applies very well to the real world.
So how do we attain this truth? How do we find inner peace? By surrendering ourselves to the moment. Surrender doesn't mean giving up. It means advancement. It means ascension - an ascension to a higher plane of knowledge. It means stopping not only to see the roses, but also to smell them. It means fully immersing not only your mind, but also your body. It is not thinking. In fact, it is beyond thinking. It is feeling.
"We are not retreating - we are advancing in another direction." ~Douglas MacArthur
So how do we feel? We live. Life is inevitably social, but that's not necessarally a bad thing. But at times, it is inevitably a challenge, and that's not necessarally a bad thing either if we know how to properly tackle the obstacles that stand before us. I'm talking about emotions. If we want peace for ourselves, then we must learn to control our negative emotions. The second we are jolted with negativity, we must learn to stand aside and look at those painful feelings through the eyes of an outsider. Bear witness to these emotions before acting on them. Afterall, nobody wants to be perceived as insecure. We must be secure about our insecurity, and through doing so we will become secure again. Am I saying that it's not ok to feel angry, upset, jealous, etc.? Absolutely not. But it's how we express these feelings that give testament to our character, because this is what people judge us on. For example, instead of expressing anger by telling someone, "Go f*ck yourself," you can reword your thinking into feeling by calmly telling that same person, "I'm sorry, but I don't agree with/appreciate what you said to me." It's as simple as that. What person would you rather talk to? Think before acting, don't act before thinking.
Positive emotions such as love, happiness, etc., are still fair game to express, as long as there is no hesitation in expressing them. If there is the slightest bit of hesitation, then ask why. Look at that hesitant feeling through the eyes of an outsider. Perhaps that emotion is not appropriate to express yet, or at worst, it is falsely masking the negativity underneath. Sarcasm is a good example for the latter possibility. Sarcasm can be a very humorous tool when used properly, but sadly, often others use it bitterly, sometimes without consciously realizing it, to take advantage of others and hurt them. It doesn't matter whether or not the targeted person or group of people is/are ditzy and won't get the hurtful sarcasm to begin with, because that doesn't make it right.
Just half a week ago, I was a 22 year-old who priotized acting over thinking. I had let emotions get the better of me, so to speak, and at times would express myself in completely immature and unacceptable manners. I would unconsciously place fault and blame on others in a pathetic attempt to feel better about myself, when in fact, I was the one at fault and to blame all along. The fire I started eventually burned out of control, until I myself became engulfed in the very flames that I gave birth to. That moment happened when someone very close to me remarked that they feel as if I actually enjoy all the pain. It was probably one of the most hurtful things ever said to me, but I deserved every word of it because it more than justified the means. Shortly afterwards, I broke down for the first time in my life. I mean, literally, broke down. But if one stares long enough into chaos, they just might find beauty. Although I didn't know it then, it was the first step in my inner-revolution when I dragged myself off the floor, only to stare at the mirror and ask the ultimate question: "Who am I?"
“The emotions aren't always immediately subject to reason, but they are always immediately subject to action.” ~William James
Three days ago while looking for this book: http://www.amazon.com/Blinking-Fists-Poems-Billy-Corgan/dp/0571211704/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1235435693&sr=8-1, I instead stumbled upon and purchased this one: http://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/1577314808/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1235435732&sr=1-1.
I would be lying if I said that I don't owe at least partial credit to the latter book in how it changed my life. I would even go as far to say that the lesson in this book is the closest treasure to the meaning of life. It has the keys to common happiness contained in every holy book in a more focused, and easier to understand way. Although I will forewarn you. If you go into reading this without an open-mind, you will inevitably fail to understand its point. Fortunately, I was able to go into reading this with an open mind, read the book cover to cover in just two days, and would've finished it in one sitting had I not fallen asleep. This is coming from someone who reads books very sparingly.
For the first time in my life, I can truly say that I'm happy, no strings attached. Why? Because I stopped looking at the present through the eyes of the past and the eyes of the future. I am here, not there, and I am here to stay. So why am I am sharing all of this with you? Because I want to show you that you can be happy too. That you can find peace. I'm not trying to harp. I'm not trying to preach. I'm not trying to affirm a "holier than thou" stereotype. My words are sincere, because God (or the One) is speaking through me.
This is the first blog entry from a new person. The negativity, that "lonesome" poet stereotype that may have been characteristic of Zach, will no longer cease to continue. The title of my last entry barely scratched the surface of who I am. I am not a hopeless romantic. Save that for depressing poetry. I am, in fact, a very passionate man. I love all equally and do not discriminate. My love runs deep and knows nothing of lust, because my love is sincere. I love night as much as I do day, and every second in between. But I don't worry about time, because the only time I'm concerned with is the very words that I'm typing in this sentence. Zach isn't back, because he was here all along. This is just the first time many of you have set eyes on him.
No doubt that this entry comes as quite a shock to many of you, but I deserve the shock all the same. I have been like a crooked politician who has been misrepresenting my people, and likewise if you don't trust my new words now, then I'll understand. But I ask that you at least trust my actions, for they have always spoken louder than words. Words are nice, but only if you have something to back them up on. Otherwise, they are meaningless. I don't feel as if I need to redeem myself, for I have already been redeemed by God. And I pray that if there is any doubt out there about any of this, that my enlightenment will enlighten you. Remember that true beauty is only skin deep. If I could physically show you my heart now and still biologically survive, I would, because it would gladly sing for all of you.
“Enlightenment will be now the beginning, not the end. Beginning of a non-ending process in all dimensions of richness.” ~Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh
There are many levels to enlightenment. That said, please don't be discouraged when I say that I'm only at step one. That step alone constitutes everything that I've already touched on in this entry, which is essentially staying positive by living in the moment and scrutinizing your emotions before acting upon them. Already, I have become a positive person. But there are many more steps to climb, and there is no elevator inside my heart. The next step in enlightenment is finding destiny, which I believe happens to be the meaning of life. It's different for all of us. My thinking has been so revolutionized that I no longer believe in the so-called phenomenon as "fate." The only fate that exists is the one that we construct as our perceived meaning of existance: destiny, of course.
Fate is a idea constructed from fear. Likewise, so is the word "someday." Someday is non-existant. When I first said that I wanted to lose weight, I said, "I will someday." With this thinking, I didn't need a time machine to see that five years later I actually gained weight. Likewise with every other goal I ever wanted to attain in my life. There is no such thing as someday, only a now that is yet to come. And the blueprint for that now can be constructed in this now. Will there be resistance from outsiders? You bet. But as I said, resistance is an instrument of fear, and fear is not love. If you will a dream to come true, and God wills it too, then you have become truly indestructable. All great people were resisted. Look at Einstein, look at John Lennon, look at Christ.
“Do not lose hold of your dreams or asprirations. For if you do, you may still exist but you have ceased to live.” ~Henry David Thoreau
And here's the killer, this kind of thinking has been around since the birth of humanity! If you know of scripture, before they fell from grace, Adam and Eve lived in the now, lived as is, and were fully conscious of their actions. After they fell, they became ashamed of being naked, gave birth to a son who murdered, and were forced to cope with the newly barbaric barren world outside the Gates of Eden. Now I'm not saying that we should all become nudists, because Eden no longer physically exists, and we'd all probably be pretty cold in this world! We can no longer physically reach Eden, but we can metaphysically, if we will it.
Up until now, I've pretty much been a poser in my love of transcendentalism, hippies, and John Lennon. Now all of it makes sense! I finally know what they were all trying to say because I finally believe it in my heart, not my mind. So many people might believe it in their minds, not their hearts, and consequently, these people might even perceive the bearers of the message as freaks or martyrs! They have historically, and many still do now. The message of peace is so simple to grasp, and yet, so difficult. It's the most common paradox there is.
“The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.” ~Buddha
This all said, I will admit that I am not religious, but I am very spiritual. Friedrich Nietzsche said it best when he claimed that "God is dead." He doesn't mean it literally, of course. He means that the word "God" has lost a lot of its original meaning for some people. Likewise so has the word "Christianity." There is a good exercise to practice this. If you think of the physical manifestations of God and Christ, what do you see? You might see a tall, brawny, "Zeus-like" figure with long, flowing white hair and a white beard, and a slender, but firm white man with long brown hair and a brown beard respectfully. Reality is, Jesus was from the Middle East so he was most likely darker complected, and God is physical, but he is also beyond physical because he is everywhere. Furthermore, the very fact that there are so many denominations of Christianity should attest to the fact that Christianity has lost its original meaning in a lot of peoples' hearts. Hence is why I don't believe attending church is necessary for salvation.
I will admit that I am Christian, but only Christian by definition - that being that I accept Christ as my saviour in my heart. With that comes the servant role, but that's where I think so many people get confused. Simply going off and helping other people isn't necessarally going to make you a better person. Sure, you'll win hugs and friends, but unless you truly felt the positive energy of your actions and the peoples' reactions in your heart, then you will just be one in the same. Right now I think I'm serving others by celebrating this new-found enlightenment. People are my passion, and my hope is that others can find enlightenment through my, or a similar, example. If you're atheist, then believing in yourself is a good start, provided that it doesn't make you elitist or holier than thou. To everyone: there is inspiration everywhere if you know where to look.
With that said, I finally leave you with these inspirational song lyrics:
Imagine there's no Heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today
Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace
You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one
Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world
You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one | | |
| Sans the dead pixels on my computer monitor, a lot of good things have been happening since last we talked. The Steelers are on their way to the Superbowl, Obama has been sworn in as our nation's 44th and first African American President, and I am now officially well moved into my apartment. There's been sooo much inspiration around me as of late, and I realized that it would be an injustice if I didn't write.
Today was simply transcending. In all the years of my life I have never been as excited about politics as I was today. The timing couldn't be better. A truly ambitious President who is determined to fix the economy in the wake of me freshly graduating from college to find a broken-down and disorganized job market. The media constantly portrays the positive image of Obama, and I just can't help but think that he'll be a great President, arguably the greatest ever. The truth is, the timing couldn't be better because the issues couldn't matter to me more than they do now. As America picks itself up and heals its wounds, so too do I from the scars of the past. Together we will be reborn – stronger, more determined, more disciplined, and more powerful than ever before. I realize that it won't happen overnight, and fortunately, I'm a patient man. Within time, I know that change will come for both of us.
And how about them Steelers, eh!? Speaking of patience, I can't thank my girlfriend, Kyndra, enough for how patient she has been with me watching Sunday football whilst yelling random insults and praises to the TV. She'll be happy to know that this year only holds one more week of that: the Superbowl. Fortunately for her, professional football is the only televised sport that I watch. It's been three years since the Steelers have been in the Superbowl, and both the team and myself have seen extreme changes in our lives. We have both grown, and strengthened, and I know I will be within shorter grasp of my Vince Lambardi trophy equivalent when I no longer hyperventilate having climbed stairs or jogged 50 feet. My New Year's Resolution is the same it has been for the past decade: to lose weight. The only difference this time is that I plan to succeed.
This is probably the main thing that has been holding me back from starting my vlog. It's not that I so much care about my physical appearance, I just want to be at the top of my game. I'm not striving for perfection, just excellence, and I know that the latter will incorporate into my mental health as well. Before I can offer my help and support to the world, I must do my best to feel the greatest about myself. I've come a long way, but there clearly is a long way to go. I just simply lack the confidence right now because my physical health isn't the greatest, but I know in time, that too shall pass. I can't say exactly when, but I'm aiming for this year.
I must also support myself financially. I wish I could agree that the old adage "money isn't everything" is true, but each wakening day gives me evermore reason to adhere to the contrary. The whole job search situation isn't doing the greatest, but at least this is one of the possibilities I have braced myself for, and consequently, planned remedial actions for. I'll admit that I haven't exhausted all of my resources yet, so that has given me hope. And I know that within time, this also shall pass. I'm also aiming for this to happen this year.
All the while, I owe responsibility to others. My girlfriend, my friends, and my family are all counting on me to be there for them and not let them down. I know they're right beside me in my self-improvement, but even they cannot be beside me physically at all times. I must prevail with their inspiration and use my self-discipline the best way that I know how to: putting my priorities in order, and taking things one step at a time. I realize that I have the metaphorical full plate in front of me, but I have little doubt that once I'm through with it, I'll be asking for seconds. And to all those I owe responsibility to, I can't thank you enough.
So here's to a new America, here's to a new Superbowl, here's to a new me. Here's to a new era. Cheers and much love! | | |
| It's no question that every single night before I fall asleep, one of the last thoughts I have is about the future, and all its possible outcomes, good or bad, better or worse. I assume it's only natural, but some of my closest loved ones say I overreact. It's a bittersweet thing really, but I finally realized that I really don't have anything positive anymore to show for it. Most of the time I freak out over the stupidest shit while I torture someone's ears who doesn't want to hear it. It all culminates into a feeling of depression, but the feeling only intensifies when my heart screams for the help of another.
Thus, I have henceforth decided that I will only express the feelings that I feel warrant expressing: those that make me truly happy and provide wonderful insight into my life. Right now I feel hate, anger, envy, and perhaps most of all...betrayed. On the other hand, I feel extremely thankful for all the wonderful people who have given me inspiration in my life. They are my sword and shield, and I'd feel absolutely helpless without them. But at the same time, I can't disrespect them with my ignorance of their care by my almost daily laments of my pathetic self-misery.
I just feel pretty lifeless right now, but I suppose some of us can't live until we die. I say this metaphorically, of course. I'm still going to be very much alive physically, but inside I feel deceased right now. I feel I've self-sacrificed for so little, and the cross I bear is breaking me.
I consider myself a Christian, but I'm kinda ashamed to call myself one after all the trials I've been through. I'm a believer that everything happens for a reason though, and it's kinda funny that the crows I've been seeing a lot before have been replaced by a single hawk that I see on the exact same segment of power line on the way to work at the exact same time. I also can't help but notice the new sign alongside the road that reads "Love can change the world." Hopefully, these things are a sign of good things to come.
Until then, I will be crawling back into the darkness. I will be going away for awhile on my blogs until I get some things straightened out in my life. I hope you will all understand. Don't worry, I still have a rose to hold onto.
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| Meltdown. My head has just exploded in Cherynobyl-like fashion with overwhelming thoughts that will radiate throughout this entry, for better or worse. I don't rant, I rave, and with everlasting ferocious enthusiasm that no one or thing will ever be able to take away no matter what. So if it sounds like I'm complaining, I'm not. I'm simply observing the facts and providing feedback. I'm simply a small voice in a big crowd. Is it possible for one to run away from his/her problems? I ask you this with a very heavy heart, because right now I feel completely worthless and depressed. My life is almost a completed puzzle, but there seems to be one large piece missing that I can't quite put my finger on. I don't know if it's a person, place, or thing, or perhaps all three somehow inter-connected, but I really hope I find out soon. In a way, I'd like to think that it's my "calling" in life, a career that my heart has long desired for years in an environment I'm truly passionate about. Who am I going to be when I grow up? There are the skeptics who believe that none of us will ever discover the answer to that question, that the search is pointless because you're going to be worse off than you were before, so you might as well sit back and enjoy the ride. My ride has been an upside-down wooden roller-coaster, and I know that upside-down wooden roller-coasters don't actually exist because they would be too dangerous. Every morning when I take my first breath, I have a mid-life crisis. Knowing the meaning of self-discovery has had an overwhelming sense of urgency for me these past four years, and I don't feel that much better off than I had before. Perhaps the skeptics were right. Perhaps the search is pointless. Perhaps I should just sit back and enjoy the ride. But without anything to strive for, what kind of person would I become? It is better to be hated for who you are, than loved for who you are not. Truth is, since day one I have strived for nothing short of happiness and tranquility, but have managed to gain more knowledge about the world, dangerous knowledge that has been used against me, mine own dagger to mine own heart. I have learned that the world truly is dog-eat-dog, and really don't believe that it's a "small world, afterall." It's a day-to-day struggle, encompassing a seemingly never-ending war. I can always choose which battles to fight or retreat from, and yesterday I decided to stand my ground. Due to circumstances beyond my control, I have been forced to make a decision to move from full-time to part-time at my job. I know I will be losing money, but the extra days off will finally give me time to breathe and recuperate, rediscovering who I was before July when I started working at a place I didn't deserve to be at. This transition could happen as soon as Saturday. My mom is going to be pissed because I truly thinks she doesn't care about my happiness but only about how much income I'm making. She doesn't believe that money doesn't buy happiness. I just hope and pray she realizes these are circumstances beyond my control. Who am I? A writer and someone who cares. Now that I have made that apparent, I have ran away from my problems, at least temporarily. Maybe I should make writing and caring my full-time job? I believe that one truly can run away from his/her problems, and I STRONGLY believe that destination is the person's passion. I haven't been enlightened by mine yet, but if and when I do, I don't plan on ever looking back. | | |
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