| | Meltdown. My head has just exploded in Cherynobyl-like fashion with overwhelming thoughts that will radiate throughout this entry, for better or worse. I don't rant, I rave, and with everlasting ferocious enthusiasm that no one or thing will ever be able to take away no matter what. So if it sounds like I'm complaining, I'm not. I'm simply observing the facts and providing feedback. I'm simply a small voice in a big crowd. Is it possible for one to run away from his/her problems? I ask you this with a very heavy heart, because right now I feel completely worthless and depressed. My life is almost a completed puzzle, but there seems to be one large piece missing that I can't quite put my finger on. I don't know if it's a person, place, or thing, or perhaps all three somehow inter-connected, but I really hope I find out soon. In a way, I'd like to think that it's my "calling" in life, a career that my heart has long desired for years in an environment I'm truly passionate about. Who am I going to be when I grow up? There are the skeptics who believe that none of us will ever discover the answer to that question, that the search is pointless because you're going to be worse off than you were before, so you might as well sit back and enjoy the ride. My ride has been an upside-down wooden roller-coaster, and I know that upside-down wooden roller-coasters don't actually exist because they would be too dangerous. Every morning when I take my first breath, I have a mid-life crisis. Knowing the meaning of self-discovery has had an overwhelming sense of urgency for me these past four years, and I don't feel that much better off than I had before. Perhaps the skeptics were right. Perhaps the search is pointless. Perhaps I should just sit back and enjoy the ride. But without anything to strive for, what kind of person would I become? It is better to be hated for who you are, than loved for who you are not. Truth is, since day one I have strived for nothing short of happiness and tranquility, but have managed to gain more knowledge about the world, dangerous knowledge that has been used against me, mine own dagger to mine own heart. I have learned that the world truly is dog-eat-dog, and really don't believe that it's a "small world, afterall." It's a day-to-day struggle, encompassing a seemingly never-ending war. I can always choose which battles to fight or retreat from, and yesterday I decided to stand my ground. Due to circumstances beyond my control, I have been forced to make a decision to move from full-time to part-time at my job. I know I will be losing money, but the extra days off will finally give me time to breathe and recuperate, rediscovering who I was before July when I started working at a place I didn't deserve to be at. This transition could happen as soon as Saturday. My mom is going to be pissed because I truly thinks she doesn't care about my happiness but only about how much income I'm making. She doesn't believe that money doesn't buy happiness. I just hope and pray she realizes these are circumstances beyond my control. Who am I? A writer and someone who cares. Now that I have made that apparent, I have ran away from my problems, at least temporarily. Maybe I should make writing and caring my full-time job? I believe that one truly can run away from his/her problems, and I STRONGLY believe that destination is the person's passion. I haven't been enlightened by mine yet, but if and when I do, I don't plan on ever looking back. |
