| | It's no question that every single night before I fall asleep, one of the last thoughts I have is about the future, and all its possible outcomes, good or bad, better or worse. I assume it's only natural, but some of my closest loved ones say I overreact. It's a bittersweet thing really, but I finally realized that I really don't have anything positive anymore to show for it. Most of the time I freak out over the stupidest shit while I torture someone's ears who doesn't want to hear it. It all culminates into a feeling of depression, but the feeling only intensifies when my heart screams for the help of another.
Thus, I have henceforth decided that I will only express the feelings that I feel warrant expressing: those that make me truly happy and provide wonderful insight into my life. Right now I feel hate, anger, envy, and perhaps most of all...betrayed. On the other hand, I feel extremely thankful for all the wonderful people who have given me inspiration in my life. They are my sword and shield, and I'd feel absolutely helpless without them. But at the same time, I can't disrespect them with my ignorance of their care by my almost daily laments of my pathetic self-misery.
I just feel pretty lifeless right now, but I suppose some of us can't live until we die. I say this metaphorically, of course. I'm still going to be very much alive physically, but inside I feel deceased right now. I feel I've self-sacrificed for so little, and the cross I bear is breaking me.
I consider myself a Christian, but I'm kinda ashamed to call myself one after all the trials I've been through. I'm a believer that everything happens for a reason though, and it's kinda funny that the crows I've been seeing a lot before have been replaced by a single hawk that I see on the exact same segment of power line on the way to work at the exact same time. I also can't help but notice the new sign alongside the road that reads "Love can change the world." Hopefully, these things are a sign of good things to come.
Until then, I will be crawling back into the darkness. I will be going away for awhile on my blogs until I get some things straightened out in my life. I hope you will all understand. Don't worry, I still have a rose to hold onto.
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| | Posted 12/3/2008 1:08 AM - 31 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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